Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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