just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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