I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
