it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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