...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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