we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So much Jack, so little girl.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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