Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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