Your dad touched me again.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
