I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
