I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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