My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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