well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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