It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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