you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize