Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Randomize
