It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
