Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
