i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
being pregnant is like rehab
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
