he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
