Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
