you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
