I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
