There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
