I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My bed smells like the plague
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
why is half of my head shaved?
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