Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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