I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize