The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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