I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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