there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
