Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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