i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
