i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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