bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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