If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
