remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
