i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
