shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
