now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
