I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
