"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
