Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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