Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
