i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
