dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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