I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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