My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
