Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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