I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
