I molested 6 butterflies tonight
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
