I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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