You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
These tits shall not be calmed
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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