i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
