i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
