He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
