would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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