Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
