I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
