Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Never underestimate the power of titties
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