I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
