i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
