I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
