new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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